Even when dying, we should consider how our actions may affect those we love. Learn about the top three things to avoid doing to our family and loved ones in those dark days.
Death is a scary premise and learning that our
expiration date is nearing can frighten any of us. Understandably, the dying may experience a variety
of feelings: ranting, crying, etc. Even so, once the shock wears off a bit, it
may be best to consider how our last actions may affect those we love. Those last actions may be our legacy and
could affect our loved ones the remainder of their lives. What follows are a few true stories – using pseudonyms
– and suggested etiquette.
Keeping a Family Member Out of the Loop
A family rift caused Jane to confide in only two of
her three children about her terminal illness.
She forbade them to mention her disease or imminent funeral to the
third. Her children obeyed, causing an
even deeper rift between the siblings.
Suggested Etiquette
Relationships may often strain and sometimes break
entirely, resulting in hurt and resentment.
Still, feelings change, and family tends to mend relationships over
time. When we lack mending-time, those
negative feelings often lead to exorcising the blamed party from our last days.
True, these feelings are valid, but the
lasting effects of our actions may continue long after we are gone.
Jane should have tried to avoid vindictiveness, as
she caused even more pain for her family. Most positive focus would have been on how the family
remembers her and to help them focus on love, not hate.
Requesting
that a loved one keep quiet about impending death
Mike was just diagnosed with terminal cancer with
only six months to live. Wishing to avoid overwhelming pity and barrage of
sympathetic words, he chooses to keep this information private. Sharing with only his family and closest
friend, he requests they all promise to keep his disease under wraps.
As time went on, this wasn't a huge task for his family. After all, they all had each other as a
support system. His friend, however, had
no support system, as he didn't even share the tragic secret with his
wife. Keeping this promise caused him
stress-related migraines and a perforated ulcer.
Suggested Etiquette
Mike's need for privacy was legitimate and
completely understandable. However, it was
unfair to burden his friend with such a secret.
At the very least, the friend should have the option to share the secret
with his wife. Alternately, Mike could
have kept the secret in the family.
Not Creating a Will
As a competent attorney, Sally's family was sure
she had created a rock-solid will that would protect her extensive assets. For years, Sally promised the same items to
multiple family members. Instead of
creating a will when she faced terminal cancer, Sally ignored this detail and
spent her final days traveling. Since
the same items were promised to multiple people, Sally's wake was more war than
peace.
Suggested Etiquette
Not everyone feels comfortable creating a will. After all, the process involves choosing,
judging, and parceling out our life's worth.
However, just as good fences make good neighbors, a quality will save relationships. Sally should have
created a solid, fair will, leaving no ambiguities. Her family would be much better for it.
Remember
In death as in life, all our actions affect others.
Please
Read
Take Along
the Best Manners For Your Next Hospital Stay
What is the Etiquette for Today's
Woman?
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