The Polite One's Insights

Steps to Follow For Stress-Free Family Gatherings The family dynamic is changing ever faster and diversifying with multiple parental figures, spouses, sets of grandparents, and stepsiblings to visit and host during the holidays. Fold into this crazy mixture, different religions, ethnicities, and political leanings and it may be difficult to get along and enjoy this holiday season.  Therefore, we need a game plan.  Schedule and Separate If hosting, it is best to schedule different times for the divorced and never mention the former spouse unless asked directly.  Separation is best.  Speaking of separation, keep combatants as far apart as possible.  State the rules upfront: no discussion of ...usual button-pushing topics.  Simply, rules should include avoidance of politics or religion during family visits unless everyone shares the same beliefs.  For those guests visiting from out of town, reserve private time to visit—unless this isn't your f...

  Discussing politics is a potentially divisive subject.  So great care should be taken to choose the right place and the right audience for our discussions.  And since we are in a never-ending season of mega-politics, it is best to discuss some etiquette to consider.  Consider the right forum before beginning the conversation Don’t forget your basic manners Respect Consideration Courtesy No interrupting Listen to other’s opinions Work and Politics Don’t Mix We can create an “us against them” atmosphere when discussing politics at work .  Plus, it could change our working relationships when our workmates discover we are one of “them.” I doubt any of us wants to hear, “Oh my, she is a bleeding-heart liberal or right-wing conservative” as we pass our workmates.  Social settings are often not ideal for political discussions Even at a seemingly pleasant dinner party , we could create an “Us against them” atmosphere, which isn’t po...

  All funerals are an emotional experience filled with some sort of protocol.  However, those participating in a military funeral practice and perform every movement with precision.   Every fold of our flag, every movement, and every gesture is carefully executed.   Witnessing all the intricate protocol at the recent funeral of a relative piqued my interest to study flag etiquette.  When I want to learn as much as I possibly can, I go to the source for my research.  In this case, I read as many government sources as I could find and discussed the subject with military members responsible for performing flag rituals. What follows is what I learned.  Mourning When stated by presidential or gubernatorial order, an official  mourning period is typically reserved for designated government leaders.  Although the flag is flown at half-staff, it is raised to the top of the staff for an instant, lowered to t...

  The principals of Halloween Etiquette are no different from any other form of etiquette; everyone involved should display respect, consideration, and courtesy for others and their property.  But what are the rules of Halloween Etiquette?  Let’s review.  Treat-or-Treaters Respect People When receiving a treat, say “thank you,” even if it is a toothbrush.  No lights = no knock.  Darkened houses are off-limits.  We must assume they do not participate.  No knocking on doors after 8 pm.  Children are usually in bed by 8-8:30. Only ring the doorbell or knock on the door once.  Gather in groups no larger than five, more than that and children become too excited and noisy.  Many work outside the home and have no time to decorate.  If there is an outdoor light on but no decorations, assume that the homebodies didn’t have time to decorate.  They are fair game. If teens wish to trick or treat, they should dre...

  Studies indicate that treating others well, or using good manners, helps us build stronger relationships in business and our social lives.   This seems obvious.  After all, don't we all want to be treated kindly? Nevertheless, what do our young people think?  In their eyes, is using good manners at home or at school important?  Additionally, what do they consider good manners?  After reading endless articles of children staging fights just to record them for YouTube, I feared that they could care less about manners.  Surprisingly, from my interviews, I found that this is far from true.  Joshua of Sacramento, CA Knows What Good Manners Are Joshua, a 10-year-old living in Sacramento, California believes that good manners are extremely important.  When asked what good manners are, Joshua did not hesitate to state, “A person is well-mannered when he says please, thank you, and excuse me.  And we don’t ask for things when we a...

  Since many of us enjoy spending time in our local coffee houses, we should consider how our behavior might affect other coffee addicts who share the same space.  After all, for many of us, this outing is our brain tidy; a time to get away from work and other stresses of our lives.  To borrow a phrase from one coffee house, “It is not just coffee , it is an experience.”  Yet, to some, it is an extension of their office.  Nevertheless, to all of us, this is a shared space and not one that belongs to us.  No Blatant Table Swooping Recently, as I sat with my decaf java in an overly crowded shop, I noticed a blatant social gaff.  The affectionate couple sitting next to me — affectionate in a positive sense, not slobbering please-get-a-room sense — was preparing to leave.  As they gathered their belongings, an abrupt young man swooped in for the kill.  No actual bloodletting, unless we consider his now tattered reputation.   He sn...

Some feel obligated to give gifts and thus don’t give thoughtful gifts.  Also, many are confused and do not know who they should give gifts to.  So, we should give gifts to only those with whom we want to give and consider the person’s preferences as we choose the gift .  This also means that we can and should keep our gift-giving list intimate. Gift Givers Give from the Heart Give something you feel the recipient would like. It’s only good manners . Give to only to those you wish to give to. Gift Cards are Fine As with other types of gifts, give the gift card the receiver would want. Know the receiver well. Gift Receivers Wear Your Happy Face Receive each gift with a positive response even if it isn’t what you would have chosen for yourself. A gift is special. Regift Carefully This can be done if handled correctly. The receiver shouldn’t know the original giver. The gift must be in the original packaging and never used. It shouldn’t be a unique, p...

Previously Published by Sierra Style and  is entirely revised and  rewritten .   Parenting involves more than just keeping our children safe and well-fed.  Our responsibilities extend to teaching our children fundamental life skills preparing them for a well-mannered, socially savvy future. Truly, your child will have no better teacher in his life.  We all recognize this.  So, as teachers, how do we teach our children the essential life skill ‘to be thankful’?  Where to Begin It seems like we could simply tell our children to say, “thank you” and that should be sufficient.  But for our children to learn thankfulness we need to do more than just talking-the-talk.  Thankfulness is something they must feel.  Still, we must begin with those magic words, while teaching basic manners .  Basic manners and expressing our thankfulness help our children learn, and feel, empathy and respect, which are vital tools for teaching our chi...

  I have updated this decade-old in-depth interview that focused on me as a professional, etiquette, manners, and societal expectations in general.  At the time, I was presenting workshops and private sessions—well before I retired.  Amazingly, not much has changed in the etiquette world.  One huge exception, and disappointment, is how a faction of our society appears oblivious to how their actions affect others.  This is a step backward.  Still, I believe we will recover as we have in the past.  It’s up to all of us to ensure it happens soon.  Please read on. How did you begin and develop your career as an etiquette professional and consultant? Originally, I created my first etiquette course for the classroom.  I'm a teacher.  It was quite a hit with the children, their parents, and other teachers in the school.  So, when I decided to retire early from the classroom in 1994, I decided to teach etiquette.  I didn't begi...