The Polite One's Insights

As an etiquette teacher, I'm often amazed at some of the odd behaviors I witness in grocery stores. I'm not alone.   Ask around and you will probably get an ear full about the clueless and impolite. Unfortunately, poor public behavior bordering on downright rude appears to be on the rise.   These poor behaviors resulted in an interview with me on a local network a few years ago. Since there's obviously interest, I've created a short tutorial on grocery store etiquette.   What is proper aisle etiquette? Whether it's hogging the entire aisle while searching for an item or chatting with another, we should realize that we share this space.  Be aware of where your cart is and that it is not obstructing others' progress.  Step to the side as others approach when in a conversation.  Everything we do affects others.  Therefore, we should all strive to affect others in a positive manner and never emulate the entitled "me first" persona.   ...

  In our culture, shaking hands is a validation, a statement of trust.  Just consider these statements: “Sealed with a firm handshake.” “He met me with a smile and a firm handshake.”  It is like a seal of commitment, like a contract to be honest and good.  Of course, this really is no guarantee of behavior.  Nevertheless, we do tend to trust those who smile, make good eye contact, and shake our hands.  Considering this, what do we do when we honestly do not want to shake hands with others?  The reasons are many, some grounded in science—especially with viruses like Covid—and fact, and some grounded in our own compulsions.  But all reasons are valid for us.  Taking our reasoning into the mix, does this make our refusal of the handshake any less insulting?  Is The Refusal of a Handshake Insulting? In the past, it was insulting to refuse a handshake because it is an intimate act.  Yes, intimate.  Because trust is involved,...

When visiting a restaurant, take your manners with you.  Please remember, in all cases, you are visiting and are a guest, as the restaurant is someone else’s property, so we respect it and all who are there.  Do Take your manners . Dress appropriately for the formality of the venue.  Dress conservatively.  Too much cleavage can be distracting. Use your parenting skills and mind the little ones. Use indoor voices. Turn the cell phone off. Remove the earbud from your ear; no one will beam you up anyway. Treat wait-staff politely. Ask about unusual ingredients and how the dish is prepared—fewer returned dishes.  Wait until everyone has received their meals before beginning to eat. Leave a tip of 15% to 25% of the pre-tax bill. Privately communicate if there is a problem with the meal, service, or venue.  The restaurant owner usually wants to know of any problems.  Don’t Be late!  Be on time for reservations. Wear hats...

  NAMISS Contestants Typically, I would offer etiquette advice here or some sort of story related to the concept of civility.   Not this time.   I'm shaking it up a bit based on a very recent experience, one I was surprised that I enjoyed.   My partner and I were asked to judge the Miss CA Teen pageant (Northern California) for National American Miss.   My first thought was to politely decline.   Images of "Little Miss Sunshine" danced in my head and the very thought of makeup on a little girl turned my tummy.   What is This Pageant About Anyway? Thankfully, I didn't reply immediately and instead did a little research.   NAMISS doesn't allow makeup on younger ladies and only allows a touch on older teens. Refreshing.   Inner beauty and future goals are a focus.   Now I was intrigued.   But what type of young lady and more importantly what type of parent would encourage participation?   This is important to me and beca...

  Discussing politics is a potentially divisive subject.  So great care should be taken to choose the right place and the right audience for our discussions.  And since we are in a never-ending season of mega-politics, it is best to discuss some etiquette to consider.  Consider the right forum before beginning the conversation Don’t forget your basic manners Respect Consideration Courtesy No interrupting Listen to other’s opinions Work and Politics Don’t Mix We can create an “us against them” atmosphere when discussing politics at work .  Plus, it could change our working relationships when our workmates discover we are one of “them.” I doubt any of us wants to hear, “Oh my, she is a bleeding-heart liberal or right-wing conservative” as we pass our workmates.  Social settings are often not ideal for political discussions Even at a seemingly pleasant dinner party , we could create an “Us against them” atmosphere, which isn’t po...

  All funerals are an emotional experience filled with some sort of protocol.  However, those participating in a military funeral practice and perform every movement with precision.   Every fold of our flag, every movement, and every gesture is carefully executed.   Witnessing all the intricate protocol at the recent funeral of a relative piqued my interest to study flag etiquette.  When I want to learn as much as I possibly can, I go to the source for my research.  In this case, I read as many government sources as I could find and discussed the subject with military members responsible for performing flag rituals. What follows is what I learned.  Mourning When stated by presidential or gubernatorial order, an official  mourning period is typically reserved for designated government leaders.  Although the flag is flown at half-staff, it is raised to the top of the staff for an instant, lowered to t...

  According to government studies of school shootings, including an impressive document from the Department of Education, bullying can cause anger and thus has caused those bullied to strike out and shoot their fellow students.  Bullying includes name-calling, taunts, and physical contact.  Many school shooters claimed they had been treated badly and simply wanted payback.  Reflecting on this, could human behavior or bullying, have played a part in the tiger mauling a few years ago?  This is not to say that we should blame the victim, which is, in my opinion, a travesty.  But there are more than human victims here aren’t there.  As it stands, we do not know for sure, as several sources state, that the boys who survived the tiger mauling bullied and taunted her and may have instigated the attack.  Whether they did or didn’t doesn’t bring the young man or the tiger back to us.  But just the idea that they could have, necessitates a...

Preparing a child for school is more than shopping for the newest fashions and making sure he/she has enough #2 pencils.  Children need to take their best manners to school.  Those with good manners are viewed as socially savvy and are well-liked.  Manners are first taught at home. Not taught at school, manners and social skills are taught by parents in the home, for which there is no better teacher.  This can be a daunting task but shouldn't be.  There are countless teachable moments during each day to use.  When parent and child are together and witness a child taking something from another, this is a teachable moment.  When the child steps into another's garden to pick a flower, this is a teachable moment.  A parenting parent uses this particular moment to tell the child to stop, asks where her tiny feet are and where they should be.  She would then know that it is disrespectful to go into a neighbor's garden bed.  Shared m...

  Since many of us enjoy spending time in our local coffee houses, we should consider how our behavior might affect other coffee addicts who share the same space.  After all, for many of us, this outing is our brain tidy; a time to get away from work and other stresses of our lives.  To borrow a phrase from one coffee house, “It is not just coffee , it is an experience.”  Yet, to some, it is an extension of their office.  Nevertheless, to all of us, this is a shared space and not one that belongs to us.  No Blatant Table Swooping Recently, as I sat with my decaf java in an overly crowded shop, I noticed a blatant social gaff.  The affectionate couple sitting next to me — affectionate in a positive sense, not slobbering please-get-a-room sense — was preparing to leave.  As they gathered their belongings, an abrupt young man swooped in for the kill.  No actual bloodletting, unless we consider his now tattered reputation.   He sn...

Previously Published by Sierra Style and  is entirely revised and  rewritten .   Parenting involves more than just keeping our children safe and well-fed.  Our responsibilities extend to teaching our children fundamental life skills preparing them for a well-mannered, socially savvy future. Truly, your child will have no better teacher in his life.  We all recognize this.  So, as teachers, how do we teach our children the essential life skill ‘to be thankful’?  Where to Begin It seems like we could simply tell our children to say, “thank you” and that should be sufficient.  But for our children to learn thankfulness we need to do more than just talking-the-talk.  Thankfulness is something they must feel.  Still, we must begin with those magic words, while teaching basic manners .  Basic manners and expressing our thankfulness help our children learn, and feel, empathy and respect, which are vital tools for teaching our chi...