The Polite One's Insights

  Celebrating the new year with a new home?  If so, you may be considering a housewarming party to break the new place in.  Often homeowner hosts this commonplace party for close friends, family, and—perhaps—a few new neighbors.  The premise is that you are "warming your home with love." Not stuff from others. While gifts are common, they are typically small token gifts , such as candles, picture frames, wine, plants, or a coffee table book.  However, gifts should never be expected and never the focus.  No gift table.  It’s not polite. There seems to be a bit of confusion surrounding this simple tradition.  In fact, some are confusing this party with a bridal shower, even calling it a "housewarming shower."  Regrettably, some homeowners register and expect expensive gifts from their guests.  Frankly, there is no such thing as a housewarming shower.  A housewarming shower has never been a thing . Embarrassingly, w...

Happy holidays!  Welcome to the season of heightened and widely varying emotions and behaviors.  Holidays should bring us closer, but distractions often hinder our efforts.  Brick and mortar stores make it easier and easier to shop-till-you-drop by opening earlier and earlier.  Now the populous can push, shove, and sling never-ending profanities when they should be enjoying their pumpkin pie with family.  Alternately, there is always that kind person paying it forward by purchasing a cup of coffee for the customer behind him.  The barrage of unkind and kind behaviors makes me a bit dizzy each year.  You too?  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had a set of holiday rules everyone is required to read?  It would be even better if we all agreed to follow these rules.  Better yet, we all agree to use these rules going forward.  Now that would make all my holiday dreams come true.  We Are Not the Center of the Universe Surpris...

How Party Etiquette Changed & is Hosting Easier or Harder? Dear Polite One, How has party etiquette changed during the last decades?   What makes throwing parties easier or harder today?   What are the qualities of the best hosts you’ve ever seen?   What about the worst? Party Person Dear Party Person, I don’t really think party etiquette has changed much except that we have more options.   It is not just crate paper and balloons these days.   Television, exposure to many other cultures, and the Marthas of the world have opened our eyes to giving parties in a variety of ways.   So, I believe hosting parties is somewhat easier today because we can choose between a wide variety of themes and still be considered fashionable, or etiquette (ly) correct. As for hosts, the best hosts are those who behave as if they want to spend time with every guest in attendance.   They plan well.   They provide adequate food and beverages, r...

Exploring the Gift Mania Craze How and when did this happen?   It seems that suddenly, the masses consider most any occasion a gift-giving situation.   Taking it a greedy step further, the gift-crazed often create personalized gift-giving events.   Even worse, these gift-miners inform their dollar-poor guests what gifts they prefer.   To that, I must say, “Yikes!”   Some etiquette rules evolved due to this phenomenon.   Whereas in the past, it was inappropriate to mention ‘no gifts please’ in birthday, graduation, vow renewal, and anniversary party invitations, now we can.   It was inevitable.   After all, when so many feel entitled to a gift, we need a little guidance.     Let us try to remember the basics.   Gifts should be given from the heart and because we want to give.   Most importantly, we should never expect one for any occasion.   Here is a bit of Q & A to help get us back on the proper etiquette roa...

  Proper Attire Etiquette Advice Q & A Most questions I receive, as an etiquette professional, concern attire choice.   Many are about what to wear to a wedding, especially for the mothers of the bride and groom.   Occasionally, questions are unique, like, "What to wear for a movie premiere".     From the flood of questions I receive about attire, it seems likely that you might have your own.   What follows are a few of my favorites.   Hopefully, your question will be answered here. What is proper attire anyway? Q: What is the definition of proper attire ? A: Proper attire is the expected clothing choice for places we share with others:   the public forum, function, or situation.  What is cocktail attire? Q: T he invitation states "cocktail attire" for the August evening wine and cheese engagement party for my son and his fiancée.   There are 100+ guests invited to this Louisiana party.   Most likely people wi...

  There are so many possible variables when it comes to properly addressing an envelope, card, or letter.   This is especially true today with domestic partners and with ‘Ms.’ as a common option for women.   Our confusion, especially for older people, is easy to understand when we take into consideration that traditionally widowed women would use the title ‘Mrs. husband’s first name’ instead of her first name.   Today, however, in many locations women never use their husband’s first name.   So, what is proper these days in the world of correspondence?       Addressing a Woman Who Uses Two Last Names on an Envelope Dear Polite One , How do I address a business /social gathering invitation to a female associate who uses both her maiden and married name?  For example:  if they are Denise Dailey-Markham and Dale is the husband? Too Many Names Dear Too Many Names, You could list her name on the first line with his...

As an etiquette teacher, I'm often amazed at some of the odd behaviors I witness in grocery stores. I'm not alone.   Ask around and you will probably get an ear full about the clueless and impolite. Unfortunately, poor public behavior bordering on downright rude appears to be on the rise.   These poor behaviors resulted in an interview with me on a local network a few years ago. Since there's obviously interest, I've created a short tutorial on grocery store etiquette.   What is proper aisle etiquette? Whether it's hogging the entire aisle while searching for an item or chatting with another, we should realize that we share this space.  Be aware of where your cart is and that it is not obstructing others' progress.  Step to the side as others approach when in a conversation.  Everything we do affects others.  Therefore, we should all strive to affect others in a positive manner and never emulate the entitled "me first" persona.   ...

  In our culture, shaking hands is a validation, a statement of trust.  Just consider these statements: “Sealed with a firm handshake.” “He met me with a smile and a firm handshake.”  It is like a seal of commitment, like a contract to be honest and good.  Of course, this really is no guarantee of behavior.  Nevertheless, we do tend to trust those who smile, make good eye contact, and shake our hands.  Considering this, what do we do when we honestly do not want to shake hands with others?  The reasons are many, some grounded in science—especially with viruses like Covid—and fact, and some grounded in our own compulsions.  But all reasons are valid for us.  Taking our reasoning into the mix, does this make our refusal of the handshake any less insulting?  Is The Refusal of a Handshake Insulting? In the past, it was insulting to refuse a handshake because it is an intimate act.  Yes, intimate.  Because trust is involved,...

When visiting a restaurant, take your manners with you.  Please remember, in all cases, you are visiting and are a guest, as the restaurant is someone else’s property, so we respect it and all who are there.  Do Take your manners . Dress appropriately for the formality of the venue.  Dress conservatively.  Too much cleavage can be distracting. Use your parenting skills and mind the little ones. Use indoor voices. Turn the cell phone off. Remove the earbud from your ear; no one will beam you up anyway. Treat wait-staff politely. Ask about unusual ingredients and how the dish is prepared—fewer returned dishes.  Wait until everyone has received their meals before beginning to eat. Leave a tip of 15% to 25% of the pre-tax bill. Privately communicate if there is a problem with the meal, service, or venue.  The restaurant owner usually wants to know of any problems.  Don’t Be late!  Be on time for reservations. Wear hats...