The Polite One's Insights

  Source: IMDB.com Unwind & Forget Stress With These Wedding Films Ah, the weather is finally warming, bringing butterflies, flowers, and … wedding questions.  Yep, once the weather warms those  wedding  questions fly in like cupid’s arrows.  Although it gets a bit crazy around this etiquette consultant’s office this time of year, it is much worse for the bridal party.  Never fear though, this stretch of treacherous road is awfully familiar.  I know of the very thing for stress relief.  Movie night!  What follows are my favorite wedding movies, perfect for de-stressing.  So, pop some corn, pop a cork, and pop in a movie for a popping great time!  Oh, and did I tell you that there is a quiz involved?  (These stress reducers work well for all occasions) The Wedding Singer  (1998 ) By far, my favorite wedding movie!  Dare I say, “Classic?”  Perhaps not.  Nevertheless, it iconically reflects the mood, music, and styles of the 1980s with perfection.  More than warmed-over ‘80s nostalg

    Do Manners, Civility, & Etiquette Matter to Our Teens? Do young teens even care about doing what is right?  Do they even know what manners are?  Find out here! How thoughtful and well-mannered are young teens?  Do they truly know what good manners are?  If so, do they consider them important in their lives?  As an etiquette teacher and retired classroom teacher, I decided to interview a group of 12 to 14-year-olds to find out.  Amazingly, they presented themselves with poise and maturity beyond their years-- impressive.  What are good manners and are they important in your life? All those interviewed believe that manners are especially  important  in their lives.  Most have relatively similar ideas of what etiquette and good manners are, like being respectful to others, knowing boundaries, and using good behavior in public.  All acknowledge that people judge the ill-mannered negatively and avoid interaction.  Fourteen-year-old Mitch concurs adding, "Manners and eti

Who, How, Where, and When of Wedding Planning  Two people fall in love, wed, and live happily ever after.  Sounds ideal.  However, in the real world planning the wedding to involve both sides of the family, including the "steps" and "exes" can be difficult, if not impossible.  Excluding some might be hurtful, especially when children are involved.  As an etiquette professional, I answer wedding etiquette and planning questions like these every day.  Here are the top five most asked wedding questions answered.    Who is seated where and when? Steps, exes, and mothers oh my!  Encore weddings are increasingly more common.  This leads to even more exes and stepfamily on our guest list.  Add this into the planning blender and sometimes we get a toxic mix.  To avoid a mess, it's best to know where and when to seat "honored guests" like our parents.  If parents are on friendly terms, all may sit in front row.  However, how often does that happen? To ke

The When & How of Expected Thank You Notes  Electronic communication is a part of most everyone’s life these days but the handwritten thank - you note is as important now as it was in the past. It conveys much more than thanks. It conveys that you are a socially savvy , thankful person who recognizes those around you and that you value them --a powerful and positive message. And the great part about writing thank you notes is that it takes so little time to do something so constructive. For a Gift?  Special Invite? If the note is for a gift , always address the envelope to the names on the tag remember ing to use titles, such as “ Mrs. ” You can use first names on the note. If the thank you is for a special dinner or invitation , you could use only the couple’s name on the envelope and mention children in the card. Additionally, please send all thank - you notes out as soon as possible. Some will tell you that you have a certain amount of time to write these for gifts

The Bones of a Sympathy Card or Letter All sympathy cards and letters  must  be handwritten.    No shortcuts.    It must be personal, reflect your relationship with the deceased or survivor, and sympathetic.   Begin your letter with “Dear” and end with sincere sympathy.  Example : My most sincere sympathy With love and heartfelt sympathy for you and your family My affection and thoughts are with you.    Make it short but thorough.  The bereft may not want to read a long, wordy document but would appreciate hearing from those who care and offer support.   Example : Juan, I am deeply sorry for your loss.    Even though I didn’t know your mother, I realize how much she meant to you.    Your stories of her trips always brightened my day.    Anything you need, just ask.    I am here for you.       Offer of Help Option: Walker and I are dropping dinner off all week.    Connect with a memory.  Example : Your mother was always kind to me.    I remember when she coached me for my chemistry fin

Reflecting & Setting Goals for a Kinder Future Another new year with many possibilities is upon us. As exciting as this is, it is also a time for reflection. The last few years brought us bankruptcies, home foreclosures, and loss of jobs as we witnessed a near meltdown in our financial systems and our economy.  The pandemic has killed, not only businesses but hundreds of thousands of our loved ones.  We sat in horror, eyes glued to our television and computer screens watching the disgraceful terrorism on our Capitol Building.  And each day, we continue to experience and witness horrifying shootings.      As we reflect upon all that has happened and the many obstacles we have had to traverse, let us also reflect upon  who  we   want and need to become, as individuals.  Because after this tumultuous time, our communities, country, the entire world needs to come together in a civil manner . What can each of us do to contribute?  A great beginning is to learn more about each othe

Our Young Teens Speak Up  Middle school age children are usually associated with shrugged shoulders, rolling eyes, and contrived drama.   After all, they are just learning how to be a teen.   It can be a confusing time, as all of us who have lived through it can attest.   Even so, are today's middle schoolers well-mannered?   Are they well-mannered enough to teach manners to little ones?   How would they do so?   The etiquette teacher in me wants to know.   Consequently, I am off to interview 12 to 14-year-olds in my Davis, CA community.      Confident and Responsible What surprised me from the beginning was how direct these young people are, even the 12-year-olds.   All made excellent eye contact, were poised, and confident—very well-mannered. I expected that at least some would find my question odd, but no.   They all found it interesting; with some stating that they had not considered their role in younger people's lives much.   That is not surprising considering their

An Interview With an Etiquette Professional   Throughout the year, I receive numerous requests for etiquette advice from writers.  Many wonder how etiquette has changed in the last fifty years and what those changes are.  Some even consider the relevance of etiquette.   What follows are my responses to an inquiry about women’s social graces in today’s world.  What has changed; what remains the same; how should a woman act in a world full of cellphones, distractions, and evolving gender roles? For many decades, women have fought for equality.  This led the movement from housewife to coworker.  No doubt the movement is a positive, consider how this affected our children’s finer skills not taught in schools, such as manners and social skills training.    Most children learn these skills only at home or in classes such as mine.  Still, no classes compare to the daily interaction with parents.  Consider the many years of women attempting to compete with men in the workplace and this

3 Mistakes to Consider Avoiding When Dying   Even when dying, we should consider how our actions may affect those we love.   Learn about the top three things to avoid doing to our family and loved ones in those dark days. Death is a scary premise and learning that our expiration date is nearing can frighten any of us.   Understandably, the dying may experience a variety of feelings: ranting, crying, etc. Even so, once the shock wears off a bit, it may be best to consider how our last actions may affect those we love.   Those last actions may be our legacy and could affect our loved ones the remainder of their lives. What follows are a few true stories – using pseudonyms – and suggested etiquette. Keeping a Family Member Out of the Loop A family rift caused Jane to confide in only two of her three children about her terminal illness.   She forbade them to mention her disease or imminent funeral to the third.   Her children obeyed, causing an even deeper rift between the siblin