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How to Politely Refuse a Handshake

 

In our culture, shaking hands is a validation, a statement of trust.  Just consider these statements: “Sealed with a firm handshake.” “He met me with a smile and a firm handshake.”  It is like a seal of commitment, like a contract to be honest and good.  Of course, this really is no guarantee of behavior.  Nevertheless, we do tend to trust those who smile, make good eye contact, and shake our hands. 

Considering this, what do we do when we honestly do not want to shake hands with others?  The reasons are many, some grounded in science—especially with viruses like Covid—and fact, and some grounded in our own compulsions.  But all reasons are valid for us.  Taking our reasoning into the mix, does this make our refusal of the handshake any less insulting? 

Is The Refusal of a Handshake Insulting?

In the past, it was insulting to refuse a handshake because it is an intimate act.  Yes, intimate.  Because trust is involved, the handshake is very intimate.  We are giving of ourselves, and it is accepted by the handshake.  With our shoulder dipping slightly as we shake hands, we move forward toward the other person.  This gesture is intimate and open. 

Knowing this, a refusal of an out-reached hand could be interpreted as a refusal of the person.  The interpretation could be that the person is too dirty, not good enough, or just plain lower class.   Ouch. That hurts.  Of course, the person who refuses the handshake could also be viewed as socially inept, as if the person doesn’t know how to conduct him or herself politely in public.  Either way, this is a touchy situation.  

Since a refusal can be viewed so negatively, we should approach this situation as we do when we interact with others.  We consider other’s feelings and comfort levels.  In addition, we consider how our actions will affect them.  Having done this and we know how our refusal could be interpreted, we tread lightly. 

What About The Deadly Virus?

Yet, today with our knowledge of how viruses are spread, we are becoming accustomed to the fist and elbow bump as a valid substitution.  If choosing one of these options, offer your fist or elbow while smiling—even if wearing a mask—and lightly bump the fist or elbow of your counterpart. 

Politely Keeping Our Hands in Our Pockets

Alternately, we might wish to skip all personal contact.  

For Handshakes

“I’m sorry, but my allergies have kept my handkerchief busy today.  I don’t want to give you any of my germs.” (smile) or “I feel a cold coming on.  I really don’t want to share that.” (smile)

Both statements explain that the refusal is based on our problem, not one we have with the other person.  It is always best to refuse in this manner—it is our problem, not theirs. 

“I know it is somewhat strange, but I’m not comfortable sharing other’s hands.” (smile)

“I was just handling money.  You know how dirty that is.” (smile) 

These are honest replies that are most often viewed very positively.  When offering these excuses, you appear to trust that this person will not judge you unfairly.  We tend to trust others who appear to trust us.

For Fist and Elbow Bumps

“I’m still unaccustomed to this form of greeting.  Please accept my apologies.” (smile)

Please share your suggestions!

More by The Polite One

Use Your Best Manners When Visiting the Zoo

Take Your Best Manners With You When Visiting a Restaurant

Pageants and Young Ladies: Why Become a Pageant Judge? 

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