The
holidays arrive with a flurry of family events, the first of which is Thanksgiving. Many of us consider thankfulness, like being
thankful for the food on our plate and the good health
of our family—especially during Covid. Definitely,
these are worthy of our thanks.
Create a Focus
But
in the realities of the day, we are probably also most thankful when the entire
family can sit down peaceably and behave in a cordial manner, which is a
stretch at times. Often when a bunch of
personalities sits at one table, even family,
at least one person says something to upset another.
It
may help for all of us to focus on what is important. It isn’t who baked the best pie or who gets
to sit next to grandpa. It is, in
essence, time and people. We are taking
the time to spend with those who matter most to us.
Now
that we have our focus, perhaps it is time to discuss some strategies and
rules.
Start with a Plan
While
typically the host is the person supplying the entire party, this isn’t always
the case with the family Thanksgiving gathering. Often these are shared events hosted at one
family member’s home. So, guests usually
bring a dish if one is requested.
Because of this, when we are invited, we should ask what we could
contribute. Participants should inquire
about food allergies or preferences that may be a concern. Of course, the host should provide a variety
of menu items for those with special diets.
When a Date is in the Mix
For
family holiday gatherings, it's fine to ask to bring a date, but do ask before adding
to the guest list. The date isn’t obligated
to bring a dish to share, but it is always best to bring a hostess-type gift,
such as a bottle of wine, flowers, candy, or something similar. This person should also dress
appropriately—conservatively and in good taste.
In
fact, all guests should dress well and arrive on time, for it is respectful to
the host. Also, offer to share in preparations
and in the cleanup duties. After all,
this is basically a shared event.
Dinner Time
Brace
yourself, it’s time to sit down with the family, so beware and behave. Family members are the best at pushing each
other’s buttons, so avoid doing so. This
is not an appropriate forum for debates, settling old scores, or asking very
personal questions like “Hey, how’s that substance abusive program going?”
I’ll Have the Cranberries With a Side of Vitriol
If
some family believes differently, abstain from discussing religion and politics. If a conflict arises, change the subject, and
point out that the day is about coming together, not falling apart.
Agreeing to disagree is often an easy option as well. And if asked an awkward question, brush it off and don’t take it personally. Take a page from politicians with the reply, “No comment,” said with a smile.
Safety First
So,
what are safe topics? This is a time for
catching up on what each family member has been doing all year. This doesn’t mean that we drone on and on
about ourselves, but we do share what we have been doing and then ask others to
do the same.
We
ask children what they have been doing and what they want to be when they grow
up—is college an option? Cultural events and local news are both great options if
it has nothing to do with religion or politics.
Some families even play word games at the table. If it is all verbal… hey, why not.
One
favorite verbal game played these days seems to be “If I won the lotto, what
would I do? Each person shares what they
would do; focusing on charitable works is best for teaching children what is
really important.
The Aftermath
Stuffed,
tired, and in need of a nap, it is time to help clean up and consider when it
is time to leave. It is polite to ask
when the host wishes to end the evening when the invitation is offered. But often no one mentions it, so we are left
to determine when the party is over for ourselves.
Most often, like most other dinner parties, it is after the dessert, coffee, and tea are served. Once this course has been consumed and if the host doesn’t mention another activity, such as a game, it is time to pack it up, of course, not before praising the host for his/her successful event. And don’t forget that handwritten thank you notes!
How to Survive The Holidays When Daily Life Interferes
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