Thanksgiving Etiquette and How to Avoid Sleeping in the Doghouse

 

The holidays arrive with a flurry of family events, the first of which is Thanksgiving.  Many of us consider thankfulness, like being thankful for the food on our plate and the good health of our family—especially during Covid.  Definitely, these are worthy of our thanks. 

Create a Focus

But in the realities of the day, we are probably also most thankful when the entire family can sit down peaceably and behave in a cordial manner, which is a stretch at times.  Often when a bunch of personalities sits at one table, even family, at least one person says something to upset another. 

It may help for all of us to focus on what is important.  It isn’t who baked the best pie or who gets to sit next to grandpa.  It is, in essence, time and people.  We are taking the time to spend with those who matter most to us. 

Now that we have our focus, perhaps it is time to discuss some strategies and rules. 

Start with a Plan

While typically the host is the person supplying the entire party, this isn’t always the case with the family Thanksgiving gathering.  Often these are shared events hosted at one family member’s home.  So, guests usually bring a dish if one is requested.  Because of this, when we are invited, we should ask what we could contribute.  Participants should inquire about food allergies or preferences that may be a concern.  Of course, the host should provide a variety of menu items for those with special diets. 

When a Date is in the Mix

For family holiday gatherings, it's fine to ask to bring a date, but do ask before adding to the guest list.  The date isn’t obligated to bring a dish to share, but it is always best to bring a hostess-type gift, such as a bottle of wine, flowers, candy, or something similar.  This person should also dress appropriately—conservatively and in good taste. 

In fact, all guests should dress well and arrive on time, for it is respectful to the host.  Also, offer to share in preparations and in the cleanup duties.  After all, this is basically a shared event. 

Dinner Time

Brace yourself, it’s time to sit down with the family, so beware and behave.  Family members are the best at pushing each other’s buttons, so avoid doing so.  This is not an appropriate forum for debates, settling old scores, or asking very personal questions like “Hey, how’s that substance abusive program going?” 

I’ll Have the Cranberries With a Side of Vitriol

If some family believes differently, abstain from discussing religion and politics.  If a conflict arises, change the subject, and point out that the day is about coming together, not falling apart. 

Agreeing to disagree is often an easy option as well.  And if asked an awkward question, brush it off and don’t take it personally.  Take a page from politicians with the reply, “No comment,” said with a smile.  

Safety First

So, what are safe topics?  This is a time for catching up on what each family member has been doing all year.  This doesn’t mean that we drone on and on about ourselves, but we do share what we have been doing and then ask others to do the same. 

We ask children what they have been doing and what they want to be when they grow up—is college an option? Cultural events and local news are both great options if it has nothing to do with religion or politics.  Some families even play word games at the table.  If it is all verbal… hey, why not. 

One favorite verbal game played these days seems to be “If I won the lotto, what would I do?  Each person shares what they would do; focusing on charitable works is best for teaching children what is really important.  

The Aftermath

Stuffed, tired, and in need of a nap, it is time to help clean up and consider when it is time to leave.  It is polite to ask when the host wishes to end the evening when the invitation is offered.  But often no one mentions it, so we are left to determine when the party is over for ourselves. 

Most often, like most other dinner parties, it is after the dessert, coffee, and tea are served.  Once this course has been consumed and if the host doesn’t mention another activity, such as a game, it is time to pack it up, of course, not before praising the host for his/her successful event.  And don’t forget that handwritten thank you notes!    

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