Interview for Writer Melina Bee: Who is the Etiquette Professional Rebecca Black and What Does She Know?

 

I have updated this decade-old in-depth interview that focused on me as a professional, etiquette, manners, and societal expectations in general.  At the time, I was presenting workshops and private sessions—well before I retired. 

Amazingly, not much has changed in the etiquette world.  One huge exception, and disappointment, is how a faction of our society appears oblivious to how their actions affect others.  This is a step backward.  Still, I believe we will recover as we have in the past.  It’s up to all of us to ensure it happens soon.  Please read on.

How did you begin and develop your career as an etiquette professional and consultant?

Originally, I created my first etiquette course for the classroom.  I'm a teacher.  It was quite a hit with the children, their parents, and other teachers in the school.  So, when I decided to retire early from the classroom in 1994, I decided to teach etiquette.  I didn't begin my business until 1996 though. 

I began teaching only young children but found that teens and college students needed even more help.  So, I began creating lessons as I found a need.  My business and career truly blossomed from a small seed.

What would say is the essence of etiquette? In other words, if one is presented with an etiquette dilemma, what kinds of considerations should one observe to arrive at a polite solution? 

I believe that the essence of etiquette is to be the little skipper rock.  Imagine a calm pond with no disturbing noises around you.  You see a little skipper rock and fling it across the water.  There are very few ripples before the rock quietly disappears. 

Now imagine a loud boisterous person picking up a big rock and tossing it in the water. The water is no longer calm.  There are big ripples that flow out to the edges of the pond.  The noise and ripples affect everything around the pond.  To be polite, we should want to affect others only in a positive manner with respect, kindness, and consideration. 

Is there a difference between being polite and having good manners?

A little.  Treating people well is being polite.  We want to be "nice".  But good manners go a bit further: knowing to say "excuse me" when stepping in between people, opening doors for those nearby or for those who need help...etc.   A person with good manners knows the rules of polite behavior in all situations.  The rules are called: etiquette. 

Some would criticize rules of etiquette as fake, old-fashioned, or even classist. How would you respond?

Most of those who say this really don't understand what good manners and etiquette are.  We, all of us in our society, create the rules over time.  These rules change as our society changes.  These rules are, basically, the polite behavior most people expect from others.  When we don't receive it, we notice. 

So, to those who feel that only the wealthy follow etiquette or proper behavior, might be putting themselves in an embarrassing situation of being viewed by those they know and care about as ill-mannered and socially inept.  That label is not something, I believe, anyone would want. 

How can someone without good manners begin to develop them (besides consulting you or your site)?

If we want to "fit in" and to be viewed as well-mannered, all we need to do is to be observant.  Watch those who exude socially savvy behavior and emulate them. 

Do the rules of etiquette differ depending on the specific relationship at hand? For example, are the rules different when dealing with co-workers, customers, and close friends and family?

It's not really that the rules are completely different for different situations, but there is a different etiquette involved for each situation.  We would still treat others much the same, but our behavior is tweaked for each situation.  This tweaking is based on societal expectations.

For example: we know what is expected of us at work, so we are more formal in our manners and typically more reserved with our feelings.  When at home, we are more open with our feelings, thus sharing what’s on our minds, and are less formal.  But we still treat all with respect and kindness.

You've been consulted by businesses such as Noah's Bagels. What advantages does proper etiquette offer both employers and employees across various industries?

People skills are highly valued no matter the industry.  So, when we know how to treat people well, to engage others in conversation, to be able to acknowledge others in a believable fashion, that is a major advantage over those who cannot.  And it is great for business.  Customers want to be treated well and will frequent businesses that employ those who behave properly. 

Have you always been well-mannered?

I believe so, but I wasn't brought up to be.  It wasn't a focus.  We were brought up to take care of ourselves and to go out and gain employment. But I always worried about how my behavior affected others and tried to be nice in all situations—not always so easy.  My biggest issue was that I never felt like I knew how to connect with others which made we feel out of place.  This is one of the driving forces for me now.  I don't want anyone else to feel as I did growing up.

Is it ever polite to talk about money/finances or do the truly well-mannered avoid this subject (except with those who are directly involved)?

Unless asked, it really is considered boorish to discuss money/finances with those who haven't started the conversation.  In fact, even then, we should keep particulars to ourselves if that person doesn't absolutely need to know.  It can be viewed as boorish or bragging if we go on and on about our financial well-being. 

Are there any celebrities you think exemplify proper etiquette?

Yes, absolutely.  Craig Delano Melvin, a broadcast journalist with MSNBC, is polite and kind.  He always treats others with care and is private about his family.  Still, a writer friend of mine interviewed him recently and found him incredibly friendly and a proud father.  If any male wants to know how a gentleman behaves, look no farther than Mr. Melvin.   

There will always be rude, selfish people with whom we will be forced to interact. Any tips for dealing with difficult people without stooping to their level?

Unfortunately, this has become the rule, instead of the exception these days.  *sigh*

When faced with someone with whom we must interact, it is best to keep it short and sweet—just the facts and leave.  I call it being the duck.  We just let the water—the negativity—flow off our backs, smile, and keep moving.  I remind myself that I don't have to live with that person.  It helps me.

You've described yourself as an advocate of civility. What must we do to gain as a culture by embracing etiquette?

If we all make it a priority to treat others with respect and kindness and truly try to think of others in a broad manner, our society would truly be one, one that doesn't put a higher value on one person over another.  I believe it comes from basic empathy.  Additionally, I believe when we truly empathize with others, we notice them, feeling their pain as ours, resulting in a kind behavior that would never harm. 

Ultimately, I suppose that translates to all of us behaving in a positive manner focusing on kindness, respect, courtesy, and consideration rather than on harming others.   If this were a possibility, it would be a wonderful place to live—less crime, less violence.  

You gained significant media and Twitter attention as the result of sharing the name of an oft-berated teen singer. What did you learn about society and yourself from that frenzy?

Ah, yes.  It's Friday!  That was quite an odd situation.  Of course, I know and knew about hateful people.  In fact, I have been a victim of violence myself.  Still, I honestly didn't know about the level of hateful and malicious behavior of Internet trolls.  That was quite an education.  Some of the things they said, wrote on a computer screen for all to see, were shocking.  And I've seen quite a lot in my years.  Wow. 

Surprisingly though, I found myself to be very calm about it all, even though typically I would be quite upset reading that someone wanted to kill me.  Perhaps knowing they were directed toward someone else helped.  Yet, it was very scary stuff, especially when considering that malicious verbosity was directing toward a teen. 

I found that if I countered with humor and humanistic language, it helped them see that she and I are real people.  To be honest, I think it helped me.  Due to my reaction to the vitriol, I have a larger following, which is wonderful.  It was my hope the end result will be that I get my wish: more people in our society committing RAKs (random acts of kindness) every day.   It hasn’t happened yet, but I am the eternal optimist. 

The internet has had a significant impact on how we communicate.  Despite its casualness, what rules of etiquette still apply to online communications such as email, Facebook, and Twitter?

The rules are the same and many are beginning to realize it.  We should communicate in all manners as if we are communicating to a real person.  We should use capital letters and punctuation when possible.  Of course, Twitter makes that a bit difficult.  But how badly do we want to be understood?  If we do, we should make it easier to do so.  And, with email, reply quickly. 

We should also remember that the Internet is a vast universe of information, and when we put ourselves out there, we will be judged.  So we must only share what we want EVERYONE to know. 

These sites are also extremely polarizing these days.  It is a must that we research independent sources for bias and truth before posting or reposting any tidbit.  The plethora of the false and fake is tearing families and communities apart.  Polite behavior and education = kind and good. 

What is the relationship between dress and etiquette?

Everything we do matters and everything we do affects others around us.  This is true of our appearance as well.  Imagine someone walking up to you to ask for directions.  If this person is well-dressed, we wouldn't hesitate.  However, if this person is dressed in rags or provocative clothing, we might hesitate. 

We all judge others based on their attire.  It's ingrained in our brains: police officer >uniform; chef >uniform.  We all wear the uniform we want others to believe we should wear and who/what we are portraying.   

So, let's consider how this applies to etiquette.  We know the behavior that is expected of us when we participate in a certain activity like skiing.  We certainly wouldn't show up to ski with our friends wearing a baseball uniform, even if we wore a jacket for warmth.  We wouldn't fit in.  Others would treat us as if we were odd.  The same is true for the workplace.  Those who dress the part are taken more seriously, as if they take their job more seriously. 

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